on being not fat

OK, so I’ve lost weight in the last few years... there’re a few weird things I’ve noticed about and as a result from the change... let’s hope there’s some motivation to be found in my awkwardness.

▪I actually have an Adam’s apple.
▪Good: I can cross my knees while sitting. Bad: I do.
▪It is now harder to catch spilling liquids in my hands. The spaces between my fingers are now wider than they used to be, so if I make a cup with my palm, it doesn’t hold water.
▪Jean shorts falling down on an escalator is only funny if it’s not happening to you.
▪The pool and the ocean are so much better without an oversized shirt on.
▪I can fit through spaces in crowds I couldn’t before.
▪I can’t sit just anywhere now; not carrying a natural, umm... posterior cushion with me makes hard surfaces hurt.
▪Increased metabolism means more stomach growling. Stomach growling when sitting next to a girl is never cool. Ne-ver.
▪Waiters and waitresses now phrase the dessert question in the negative. “No dessert tonight?” instead of the optimistic “We’ve got a triple chocolate ____”
▪I went down a half shoe size -- I think my feet are more properly arched now. Still wide, though -- how do you people wear Vans?!?
▪Despite how much the first movie means to me, I really don’t identify with Shrek anymore. I sadly remember trying to slim down to fit into my Shrek pants for Halloween a few years ago.
▪As my girth shrank, the available room for putting stuff in my back pockets increased... sadly, as waist size went down, the pants pockets got smaller. I used to be able to fit a CD player back there; now, I have to choose paperbacks to carry with me based on their size.
▪The sweating -- I can wear one shirt with minimal pit-stain worry.
▪Not mistaken for a fanboy, gamer or a nerd as much.
▪Sharing food is easier -- also, I’m not expected to eat people’s leftovers
▪No longer Mario to Ed’s Luigi...
▪When playing “which character from ‘The Office’ are you?”, I no longer fear being labeled as Kevin. And for the record -- Andy or Creed.
▪Restaurant tables -- I can fit behind them.
▪When yelling at myself, I don’t include the phrase “fat-boy” anymore.
▪I don’t have to go to Outback to touch ribs. And fortunately, my ribs rarely have BBQ sauce on them.
▪I size up little kids and figure if they weight more or less than I lost
▪Shaving is different -- more angles to the ol’ Mount Rushmore. Lots more nicks. Sometimes I have to puff out my cheeks to get the job done.
▪Spill on my shirt, and I look like a klutz, not a pig.
▪Getting dressed doesn’t include inhaling.
▪I don’t quote Porkins (Red 6) anymore.
▪A lot of people knew me (secretly) as the fat twin... that made it easy to tell us apart. But now, even with his beard, a lot of people confuse me and Ed. It’s funny to give context to our differences. At least they believe I could be dating.
▪I actually get cold now -- machismo is all that keeps me from putting a jacket on.
▪I am not skinny -- Ursula Ditkovitch; that’s skinny. As it is, I am about five pounds away from being technically overweight.
▪Kids are more fun to play with when you aren’t out of shape.
▪Losing weight might have changed my taste in music... indie rock appeals to me as only hard rock used to.
▪That being said, I won’t fit into (or wear) skinny jeans.
▪I can button the collar on my dress shirts. Fitted dress shirts.
▪Less self-conscious = easier to start conversations with new people.
▪My normal singing voice changed. I’m a little less bass, a little more tenor now.
▪Less mouth-breathing means less snoring.
▪The clearance racks don’t seem to have my size anymore... I miss the cheapness.
▪Hawaiian shirts aren’t necessary to cover the bulges...
▪Now I’m picked last for sports teams because I have no skill, not because I’m out of shape.
▪I don’t have to check if I’m the fattest guy in the room. And yes, I would.
▪Exercise is fun... seriously!

(thanks to God, H.R., J.J., M.P., D.C., J.M., B.D., and all those who have motivated and encouraged me!)