fear (day 2)

I tend to scare myself. — Stephen King


Day 2. Heights.
Acrophobia.


Just to clarify, I’m not afraid of heights per se; the existence of tall buildings causes me no worry. Nor am I afraid of seeing others high off the ground, or falling, or getting hurt. I am scared of heights when faced with ‘em. I start to panic and (historically) quit when I realize that I will have to come back from whatever height I reach. Ever gotten scared by looking down from a ladder? That’s kinda what I get when I descend. It’s the instability; the dirt under my feet, the fatigue in my knees. Irrational panic. A speed bump that makes my mental Lamborghini bottom out.
So I decided to climb up the hardest path behind Brand library in Glendale. I’ve chickened out on this path a few times over the years. There are two other paths up to the lookout point; I’ve done the easy one a couple times, and the medium one once when a fellow hiker walked it in front of me.
Today, there was a family hiking up in front of me. I kept amusing myself by saying “HEY, a kid’s doing it!”... and slapping myself with “hey, a KID’s doing it”.
It was a great hike, and a breezy, beautiful day in L.A., but I kept my tunnel-vision against the path and the mountain. The fear danced in my periphery like Carlton Banks, daring me to look. I dared. More than once. It cranked the sweat valves up, and got my heart pounding like a “new message” icon.
The family stopped. They needed a breather. They told me I could pass ‘em, and I told them that I was fighting through a fear of heights. Offered them my back-pocket bottle of water. Then it dawned on me... most of my fears are assuaged when I talk about them. Maybe that’s why I need to write about it.
I went on ahead, and after a lot of heartbeats, I made it to the lookout spot. Very pretty, but... I needed to go higher. Further up. I kept hiking up the bare ridge that ascends to the antennas up on the highest hill. I got further than ever before. Anxiety high, knees shaking, forehead dripping, I reached a good turnaround spot, and then descended. Not easy; I HAD to crab walk down one part so as to not panic... even though I saw a barefoot guy do it ten minutes before.
I took the long, easy path back, and spent some quality time with my thoughts. I’m so glad I went the way I did because I got to see and hear an amazing event when the sun sank behind the closest hill.
I seriously thought some kids were throwing dirt clods or shooting airsoft guns at the plants, but after pausing, I saw what it was. The seed pods on some of the little valley bushes were exploding with the change in temperature. It was a great, clicking crackle popping noise. One blew up right near my face and hit my cheek! So amazing to witness.